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20120901
20120930
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Search Results 0 to 41 of about 42 (some duplicates have been removed)
Comedy Central
Sep 26, 2012 11:00pm PDT
? yes, a labor dispute that affects americans. >> the n.f.l.'s replacement referees literally decide the outcome of at least one game. >> this is a car crash in motion here. >> awful! disgusting! disappointing! >> i was heartbroken. >> heartbroken. >> it is time to bring the refs back to the n.f.l. >> jon: yes! the media has finally taken a stand on an issue of this day and said let's bring our boys home! (laughter) bring them home to the n.f.l. because-- mr. goodell, tear down that wall! (speaking german) look, america finally learned what it would take to quickly set al labor dispute, a blown off interference call and an interception that not only cost the green bay packers a victory it cost one unnamed american who had taken the packers while giving the point $200 in one week for one week wearing only a seattle seahawks jersey and a thong. (cheers and applause) by the way, that is clearly someone else's body. (laughter) i don't know what that-- (laughter) if that was-- honestly, if that was a picture of me it was look like a gibbon wearing a jersey. (laughter) i don't know what--
Comedy Central
Sep 27, 2012 10:55am PDT
)ing face. >> the wealthy are people, too. >> from the trust belt in connecticut to the tech get co-s of silicon valley, the rich are being unfairly vilified but at the money meaning and choices institute has identified a more serious problem. >> we coined the phrase sudden wealth syndrome. >> sudden wealth syndrome? >> it describes the psychological issues and sin toms that many people experience as a consequence of coming into new or sudden problems. >> they have problems, that's why we coined the term s.w.s. >> if you contracted s.w.s., could that lean to full blown r.b.s.? >> what's that? >> restless butler syndrome. >> we're not going to bite. >> sorry, making up a condition and giving it an acronym to make it sound legitimate is foolish. sorry, you were saying, s.w.s. sure the poor and middle-class are worried about having enough food. but the wealthy have to worry about whether or not their waiter is recording them while they mock half the country. it's a painful reality that afflicts at least 1% of the 1%. so let's say i've created a hot new app. >> right. >> it's called dick
Comedy Central
Sep 19, 2012 11:00am PDT
, if you have the leader of hezbollah saying that this was all planned by u.s. intelligence-- >> jon: they have not seen what we can do. (laughter) we don't pull a lot of this stuff up. you know, what struck me is this comes from youtube and it's some guy. is it because in that part of the world the government does control a lot of the material that comes out so they have a hard time imagining just individuals uploading something on their own? >> or they can be fooled to think that it's somehow part of the government. the government had to approve it because, you know, you live a part of the world that the government has to approve everything. if you want to take a photograph of your wife, the government has to approve it. but it's-- no, it is really a power play. this is people trying to bid up from each other about who gets to shape the future of that part of the world. >> jon: it was interesting. even in iran when they were doing the green revolution right after the election there and ahmadinejad was reelected in iraq and accusations of fraud even then the government was saying "t
Comedy Central
Sep 4, 2012 12:35pm PDT
-american nominee and a stadium full of democrats chanting -- >> jon: don't be nervous. they're not saying "u.s.a., they're saying "boo s.a." while it can't get freakier than that. ♪ it's brooks and dunn's "only in america." it's the exact same song republicans played in 2004 after president bush's acceptance speech. the only difference, very slight, the democrats' version was sung by albert brooks and norah dunn. and then the real skeptical began. the crowd was unable to contain itself any further. mile-high stadium ejaculated. as you know, we're in denver, so we're not satisfied with merely watching obama's speech from afar. here is our own john oliver with a report from last night -- the very heart of hopeness. ♪ >> from the opening moments, it was obvious that this was a historic occasion of gravitas, and significance. ♪ baby, clapping like this ♪ let the sunshine let the sun shine in ♪ >> jon: how do you think obama's going to deal with the situation in south ossettia? >> he will do everything right for america. >> jon: what is he going to do? >> he's going to put american famil
Comedy Central
Sep 6, 2012 10:55am PDT
, black people, asians, sikhs, jews, muslims, hippies! veterans! babies! 1940s boxing reporters! 1840s sheriffs! na'vi americans! gay service droids! muppet americans and, of course, newman! hello, newman! by the way, that was real. newman was actually there. (laughter) how effortlessly diverse is the democratic party? remember the folks at the r.n.c. overrising latino star marco rubio? the democrats have not only a rising latino star in santonio mayor julian castro, they have an extra one of him in case he breaks! it's unbelievable! democrats have so many latinos they've got doubles! (laughter) collect them all, trade with your friends. (laughter) but all of that was tangential to d.n.c. night one's prime directive: beating back the republican narrative that obama was a failed president who had accomplished nothing. and beat it back they did. >> president obama saved the auto industry. >> saved a million jobs. >> thanks to barack obama, james is working 60 hours a week on the jeep liberty line. >> yes! today james' life is endless toil and misery thanks to barack... oh. anyway, the po
Comedy Central
Sep 25, 2012 11:00pm PDT
't get to work because of traffic! (laughter) the event has s a gathering in the international juggalos. with libya in turmoil, syria in flames, iran on the verge of a nuclear weapon, an incredible opportunity for our president not just to address the world community but for some high-level pres-on-pres action. >> the white house says he has no plans to have any private leadings with world leaders. >> jon: oh. (laughter) well, that's-- probably protocol. it's not the time for one-on-one meetings with other world leaders! >> our research shows it's been 20 years since a president has been to that meeting and not met one on one with a foreign leader. (audience reacts). >> jon: oh. (laughter) well, i guess if the world leaders would like to meet with him personally they can just donate $5 to his campaign and take their chances like the rest of us. (laughter) seriously. i'm sure there's a good reason why president obama's not going to be face to face with world leaders in these difficult and historic times. >> the president obviously has a busy schedule. he has a busy schedule all time. >>
Comedy Central
Aug 31, 2012 11:00pm PDT
croakies by the way. all right, good night. i hope no one [bleep]s in my cereal. >> i'm going [bleep] in your cereal. >> a party too patriotic for facts. a candidate too successful for taxes; a city whose name sounds like tampon, from tampa, florida, this is the republican national convention, the road to jeb bush 2016. (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: welcome to the daily show, my name is jon stewart. thank you so much for tuning in. we are on on a friday night t is very unusual for us. and i'm-- let's just-- here's the-- i'm the-- here's the fact. this has been a long week. we are on the road, away from our families, the people here in tampa have been very nice, very hospitable, but let's face facts. it is hotter than a gorilla's anus. (laughter) (applause) >> jon: although, to be fair to gorillas-- (laughter) -- that is a dry heat. (applause) the worst part of this town-- the worst part of this town, you can't even sit down to take a break from the unrelenting heat because the moment you form any ki
Comedy Central
Sep 4, 2012 11:00am PDT
approach, party unity can be reached. >> jon: john oliver. ♪79hot ris5t ía 8thqz our desig@ s.7glx9ses 2r fd b >qust okeddsj6 up thh9zntr axrrts ♪ b this is a smart phone. it's very smart. this is a tablet. it's really bright. that what technology does. it makes things smart and bright. smart. smart. bright. when you connect them to the internet, they bring you knowledge. seminars. classes. this is my mom. this is my dad. they just got their degrees and now they can do anything. because the world thinks they're bright. bright. smart. technology changes everything. if you had a degree, would it change you? ashford university. >> jon: welcome back. with us tonight the governor of the great state of virginia, governor tim cane. thanks for joining -- governor tim kaine. thanks for joining us. first of all, welcome. i brought you out here. obviously, these conversations are always uncomfortable. >> uh-oh. >> jon: joe biden is going to be our first interview. so here you are -- you were on the final short list to be the vice president. it was yourself, joe biden and i believe evan ba
Comedy Central
Sep 17, 2012 11:00pm PDT
. what's that now in >> u.s. embassies and continuesate las under siege in middle east. africa and even asia. this map shows the unrest spreading to more than a dozen nations. >> jon: i see. that brings us to tonight's segment, actual democalypse. all this destruction and bloodshed was over a dumb internet video made by some [bleep]. and promoted by... ( applause ) ... and it was promoted by the koran-burning florida pastor terry jones. i believe we have a clip of him as well. >> a very naughty boy. now go away. >> who are you? i'm his mother, that's who jon: i'm being told that is a very different terry jones mocking a different world religion in a film that has been round for 3 years. well, that must be a lot of burned embassies... really? none at all. fair enough. look, i'm all about cultural sensitivity. the whole point of my 1996 rab album. but i have to say, i don't understand this one. an online film that nobody has seen made by some [bleep] is a pretext for violence. some of the leaders are deliberately exploiting whatever they can get their hands on to rile up the populous for
Comedy Central
Sep 20, 2012 10:50am PDT
remember it like it was yesterday. the iphone 5 was but a glimmer in the iphone 4s's eye. it was an incredible time." now in hannity's defense, four months is typically enough time for romney to radically change his position. by the way, what about this new very pertinent video of obama that fox has made hay of all day? when was that video recorded? >> that was recorded in 1998. >> jon: my god! that's more than 14 mays ago. [laughter] look, obviously bull [bleeped] mountain has many, i guess you would say peaks and valleys, nooks and crannies. you all know what bull [bleeped] looks like. look, why am i telling you people? let's drill down to the core of this thing. >> tonight it is romney unplugged as the g.o.p. presidential nominee delivers his sharpest critique of president obama and the entitlement society that he enables. according to the census bureau, in 2011, 49% of americans lived in a households where at least one person received a government handout. >> jon: this is the core of bull [bleeped] mountain. the 49% entitlement society obama enables. that is the core
Comedy Central
Sep 26, 2012 1:00am PDT
, you're being silly-- - hug me, bitch! to brickleberry. where the hell am i? - where the [bleep]'s that waffle house, shit-breath? - ethel? - hey, i'd kick a baby in his face for some hash browns. - ethel? - shut up, agent [bleep] lips. whoo! this car is-- goes fast! - ethel, we're not in a car! look out! - i'm sorry. you don't like my driving, then why don't you... - i don't know how to fly a chopper! aah! - hey, get out of the fast lane, you stupid mountain. - ay, santa maria. i'm never going to finish trimming these hedges. all: aah! - may i take your order? - get a pen, skank. i want a large-- [retching] - can you repeat that? - i said i want a large-- [retching] - thank you, drive around. ♪ well, i have been quietly standing in the shade ♪ ♪ all of my days ♪ and i've been trying to find [ male announcer ] unlimited phone... unlimited data... unlimited life. the galaxy s3 unlimited edition with truly unlimited data. from sprint. wait, i have to get the stuff on my mom's list. "while i'm gone, no junk food." real cheese. shopping is easy! [ female announcer ] tasty hot p
Comedy Central
Sep 26, 2012 7:30pm PDT
segment "mitt romney is the s.e.c.-luckiest dude on the planet." welcome back! my guest tonight is the reigning king of jordan. welcome back to the program king abdullaabdull abdullah ii. (cheers and applause) thank you so much for being here again. i just wanted to let you know as an emissary of the united states our president, i know, was scheduled to meet with you today. (laughter) he was not doing a stupid t.v. show. (laughter) he was very busy with strategic-- meetings. (laughter) whoopi goldbergstan, i believe it is. >> i heard. >> jon: that the talk of-- you were at the u.n. today. does anyone-- is there any discussion amongst world leaders about the american president not being available for face-to-face meetings? is that not a-- is that upsetting? >> not that i heard, no. i think everybody's there preparing for their speeches and in side meets with other leaders. that was not an issue. >> jon: so we are, in fact, perhaps, in some respects blowing this out of proportion? >> most likely, probably. (laughter) >> jon: although inside it does hurt a little bit, doesn't it? (
Comedy Central
Sep 4, 2012 11:30am PDT
. hillary: what about this barak owobama is my candidate and he s going to be president. >> john: she didn't say when.20. did you see her outfit she could have chose a more supported look than an tan tangerine pant suit. >>jon: you want this contest. >> that is the shore yo story sn ridicule me. i'm only doing it because it's fun and easy and i have time to kill. i used to be like you thinking the party would come together until i spent the entire evening finding a woman to under cut that theory. >>jon: did you? >> o >> john: i was at the pepsicent. are you ready to heal? >> are you ready to heal? are you ready to heal. come on. don't move. r you going to heal? >> hillary: barak obama goodand. 45 minutes ago these people couldn't walk. we heal. we heal. she couldn't do it and might have done it. the speech was amazing. and it brought people together. how do you feel. >> not great. >> john: what are you talkingab? >> i don't think we can use a band aid to cover the wound at this point. >> john: let me get thisstraigh. you don't think we healed. >> if you look at the into the night and onwar
Comedy Central
Aug 31, 2012 7:10pm PDT
s6e,x >> jon: that's our show. see you here tomorrow night. same time, here it is, your moment of zen. >> and i will give barack obama credit for creating jobs these last four years. for golf caddies. captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wg >> are you okay? i can't wait to see that clip on mtv in a year and a half. welcome to tosh.0. this is officially the high point of your season, longhorns. tonight we find out if this guy is alive i chat with an up-and-coming new artist and i find out how much of the qaddafi video i can actually show on tv. now let's go back and see why you should always perform stunts on a closed course. that's the thing about motorcycles, you never hear them coming. i hope she wasn't the cute one. like even your dog knows not to stand on the track. and she was just getting to the good part of her really long story. here's just another drunk afternoon in the red sox clubhouse. they're both out. espn just found their next 30 for 30. look at this
Comedy Central
Sep 1, 2012 12:35am PDT
in the early 6030s there were some churches in alabama that would have disagreed with your sports team versus place of worship anecdote. but the point is this-- what this convention attempted to do is say that we could all live again in this nostalgic paradise if it weren't for this one [bleep] guy! >> the president has disappointed america because he hasn't lead america in the right direction. >> barack obama's failed us. weakened america's confidence. >> diminished the dreams. >> liberty limiting radical left wing anti-business reckless spending tax hiking party of barack obama-- . >> jon: hey, his wife is nice though, i like his wife, heh. wow, it's four years, one man, barack obama has broken the greatest nation god has ever give then earth. the message of this convention is that apparently up until around november of 2008 americans lived in a utopian ideal born of our own gumption and individual hard work but sadly now, not four years later it is a blythed socialist hell scape with jack footed thugs lock you up for thinking about christmas. and here is the most incredible part of the ent
Comedy Central
Sep 4, 2012 7:15pm PDT
when you came in, initially. - you're lucky i don't write you up. all right, you two are on my s-[bleep]-[bleep]-t list. and it's a short list. it's too long. t-o-o long. welcome to college. - but that's my microwave! - greetings, earthlings. anders holmvik, resident advisor. - so are you gonna be turned around for a while, or... [vanessa carlton's a thousand miles] ♪ ♪ it's always times like these when i think of you ♪ ♪ and i wonder if you ever think of me ♪ - what to do to die today at a minute or two to two. - hey, dude, they give you pudding, man. - hey, dude. - you go in the cafeteria, and you just swipe a card, and they give you as much pudding as you want. - oh, cool. - what's this, your schedule? - yeah, yeah. - what's up with all this theater, man? - well, i'm a theater major, so-- yeah, i caught the acting bug pretty bad. but yeah, i already auditioned for the fall production-- les miserables. - that's cool. so can you, like, cry on command and stuff? - oh, yeah, it's easy. think of something really sad real quick. like, a bundle of babies exploding,
Comedy Central
Sep 5, 2012 7:10pm PDT
jared's lead ♪ here he comes! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ he's still looking good ♪ with all those s-sandwiches thank you all so much. you know, after a year of eating delicious sub sandwiches, i've proven weight loss is easy! [ cheers and applause ] and i promise you, i will always be your faithful leader in easy weight loss. all right! all right! that guy ate all the sandwiches he wanted and lost weight. he is so cool. mr. fogle, some fans wanted to see if you'd sign their sandwich. sure, let 'em in. hi, kids.
Search Results 0 to 41 of about 42 (some duplicates have been removed)